WEBVTT
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Oh my god, I just totally got catfished.
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He looks absolutely nothing like his picture.
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So I found out, the guy that I've been dating is married with kids.
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His wife just reached out to me.
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Welcome to the Meat Market.
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The single scene is a slaughterhouse and we are here to devour it.
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We are your hosts.
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I'm Lindsay, I'm Jess and today's sizzling single is Princeton.
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Welcome.
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Thanks for being here.
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Thank you for having me.
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So you have a very heartbreaking, rough upbringing and childhood that did end with a happy ending, but tell us about your journey and how you took your life from a negative to a positive.
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Like Pitbull, I like that.
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You want to dance for a moment?
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She's seen Pitbull.
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I love it, I love it, I love it.
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So, yeah, I mean, I have a story, like many of you out there, um, growing up abused, molested, struggled with deep depression, medicated Cause I was quote unquote hyper ADHD.
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You know all the stuff, the labels, and I went through a lot as a kid and though it's a long story, I'm grateful for all of it because, you know, it led me on a path of transformation or, as I say now, evolution, and I realized that everything that happened to me actually happened for me.
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But it eventually led me through.
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You know the story of gangs and drugs and you know, really just living a promiscuous lifestyle.
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I was so disconnected from myself because early on in my life I learned how to wear masks really well, and so I fragmented this persona that you know the world knew as Princeton.
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My mom, my friends, my girlfriends, whoever everybody saw a different mask.
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But it wasn't until, you know, I got married at the age of 21.
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And I don't know how much of the story you guys want.
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It's a long one, so I'm trying to condense it right now.
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But after a while just living a very reckless lifestyle, gang related activity, selling drugs, using drugs, alcoholic before the age of 21.
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I got married at the age of 21, thinking, you know, I'm going to give my family, I want to get married, I want to have kids.
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I've always been a relationship person.
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I've always wanted a family, because I grew up in a big family.
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But I say, like a lot of people, I went into it for the wrong reasons, you know, because it was kind of selfish, like I want to go in and I want to give my family something I've never experienced, you know.
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And now, looking back on it, it's like dang, like that's crazy.
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But that's what a lot of us do.
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We jump into things because we really want to create a new experience, but we don't take time to slow down and really, you know, observe within ourselves.
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If we're even prepared to create that experience, either with ourselves or for our children, or with a significant other, what have you?
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But after three years of being married, we had a huge trauma bond and, of course, that's another hindsight, 2020 type situation.
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But her father committed suicide when she was 11.
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And I went through molestation and abuse when I was 11, so there was just a lot there.
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But all of that, as you can imagine, came to a head when you have two people who've experienced a lot of trauma, never really known themselves, never really met themselves, very good at masking, come under one roof and now we're in each other's space every single day.
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And all of that stuff, combined over three years, just led me to a point.
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I had two kids at the time, one on the way, 23, going on 24.
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And I just felt like I was worthless, like what's the point?
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You know my kids will be better off without me.
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You know she'll be better off without me.
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My family won't have to worry about me anymore.
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I'm just tired and it sounds crazy.
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But that night, you know, I decided to take my life and I had such a sense of peace really it was such a sense of peace, like, even though I was feeling all of these things as I'm thinking through how much better everybody else is gonna be when I'm gone.
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It gave me peace, and so I'm sitting there my guns in the seat and I just pick my gun up one breath, put the gun to my head and pull the trigger and the gun misfired, yeah oh my god, it misfired yeah how did you react to that?
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well, it felt like from the top of my head you know, when you get really angry and your ears and face get really hot from the top of my head all the way to the bottoms of my feet, everything got hot.
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And I'm sitting in my car and just thinking on like what just happened, and I don't know how long I sat there, you know, but it was like it really is true, like your entire life, in a sense, flashes before your eyes.
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You're thinking about everything that has happened, everything.
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Because at that point I'm like I just tried to take my life and you won't even let me leave, like what am I supposed to do?
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And I remember this epiphany dropped in and I couldn't articulate it this way then, but this epiphany dropped in and it was you aren't where you are because of what happened to you.
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You're where you are because of how you chose to respond to it.
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And that's smart, yeah.
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And that one revelation changed my life, because I looked at my life and I said you know well, if I could create the mess of a life that I don't love by living like I don't give a damn, how much more of a life can I create if I truly start living Like I love myself, because, even taking my life, I wasn't doing that for me, I was doing it for everybody else.
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You were thinking they'd all be better off without me, you weren't thinking you know, yeah, what's going on in my life causing me to feel like this?
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I gotten so used to wearing the masks that you know when you were.
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When you get used to wearing masks, you don't realize that you're living to perform for the world.
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You're doing everything for everyone, no matter what your words are, and so even in that moment, it was a mask.
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So what changes did you make, going, moving forward?
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Oh, that week it was a powerful change, I say I went through a huge conscious awakening at that point in my life.
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I quit drinking cold turkey.
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I quit using drugs cold turkey.
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Like right away.
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Right away that week, wow.
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And I just isolated myself for over a year and, growing up in the Bible Belt of Virginia it was.
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I didn't know what was happening.
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It was such a powerful shift in my life Literally it's like waking up one day, looking in the mirror and I didn't see Princeton anymore.
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It was like this blank slate in front of me and there was nothing but air and opportunity, like, literally, when people talk about rock bottom and only being able to look up.
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That's where I was, and so I said you know well, if I'm going to build up, I can't repeat what just happened.
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And so I isolated for a year, dove back into the Bible and really I was seeking other people who had had experiences like that.
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I wasn't seeking religion, I was seeking because that was the only avenue that I knew at the time other people who had had spiritual experiences that were like mine, where they went through these powerful shifts in their life and it led them to find purpose.
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And as I started studying all those stories, what really shifted my life was when I got into the New Testament and I'm studying in the story of Jesus and you know, at one point he's hanging on the cross after being beaten beyond recognition, going through pain that I could never even imagine.
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You know flesh torn from his body, nails, nails.
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You know he's nailed to the cross and he's looking out over people and he says forgive them, for they know not what they do.
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And I remember reading that and I broke down in the tears and I said teach me to love like that, because if I can't love like that, I don't want to live.
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And so from that day, like I was so hungry and there was such a deep state of urgency, I always say I'm not a I'm not a quote-unquote title, a Christian or a name or a religion.
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Love is my religion, if I put it on anything, because from that day I started looking at every challenge, every obstacle, everything as an opportunity to love, whether it's loving myself, giving gratitude and love for my life or different situations, because I really wanted to know that love and it transformed everything in my life.
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How did it change your relationship with your wife at the time?
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Because you said her father had committed suicide?
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Yeah so how did your suicide attempt?
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You sort of probably re-triggered some of her trauma as well.
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So is that sort of when that relationship started to falter?
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Well, you know, in the beginning I didn't tell everybody that I tried to kill myself.
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Okay, that didn't come out till much later, you know they knew that I had an experience, but that was it.
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But you know, what was triggering and what made it difficult after my life changed was her father was an elder in a church and this was a man that would walk miles in the snow to help someone in need, you know, give you the shirt off his back and he ended up taking his own life.
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So, even with my life changing, I went back to school, got a bachelor's in biblical studies, eastern religion, and got into ministry.
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I was in ministry and pastoring for five years before stepping down and entering into the work that I do now.
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And even through all of those changes, I could see the struggle that she had, trusting that the change was real or that it meant anything, because the man she loved the most, her best friend, was gone and he took the same path, you know.
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And so there was a lot of grace given on my behalf through a lot of that and also taking accountability, you know, for the fact that in many cases I had let her wear the pants, you know it's.
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I had become very passive, aggressive in my own home, and so when I started growing and I started changing, I started taking on the mantle of what it means to be a whole man, not just a man, you know, this is my home type of man, you know, but a whole man.
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It was very hard to transition because she came from a family of very strong masculine women who ran the house yeah, and still very much so that way, but that was really challenging.
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And then coming out of gangs and drugs and all that stuff, trying to find a good job, because most of my job growing up in the country, every job, is like a temp job you know.
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And so you go to this job and in that job and it just looks like you have a terrible work history.
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So trying to get a good job when it does come available is very difficult.
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So that was a battle.
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Finances hit us hard, you know, know, during that time.
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But I had a vision, you know.
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I knew that with every one thing that I had experienced, there was at least a million people out there experiencing just one of those things.
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And if I could evolve, if I could grow, if I could transform, regardless of what happened with us, everything that I would learn from that point would simply be a light into someone else's life.
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And so I just stuck to the journey.
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And here we are everything happens for a reason.
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I'm a believer, you know think of how many people you have helped in your journey since you know, so when did you get divorced?
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How many years ago?
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that was 2011.
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Okay, we moved here 2010 and you know, initially that's another story.
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Initially I was moving here alone because I was at a point I was like you know, we, we're going separate ways.
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I probably knew five years before I actually made that decision that it was over, but I always said, you know, I'm getting married.
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Once, like I never wanted to see a broken family, but it took me getting to a point where I realized my kids were already living in a broken home and or an unaligned home, as I say now.
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You know, we just weren't in alignment anymore.
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We were going in two completely different directions and the last conversation we had, 2011, was I love you enough to let you go?
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Because I don't want to wake up, you know, 65, 70 years from now, wondering what the hell we did with our lives Because we settled due to circumstance.
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Yeah.
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And so, yeah, that's when it happened 2011.
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And so, yeah, that's when it happened 2011.
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And so have you dated much since.
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Well, after her I was single for three years and I would go out and stuff.
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But I really spent a lot of time to myself during that three year period because one thing that I came to realize was, after my separation, I knew who Princeton was as a husband.
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I knew who he was as a father and what I wanted to create for my family.
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I knew what my vision was and what I wanted to create.
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But I didn't know Princeton as a single man on his own as an adult, because I got married as a kid basically no real life experience except for the traumas and the dramas I had experienced.
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And so I took that time to really start meeting myself again.
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And it was difficult because talk about separation, anxiety like that started coming up.
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I hadn't smoked or drink anything in over eight years.
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I started smoking and drinking again to mask it and I remember the day sitting in my condo thinking I never want to feel this pain again.
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And that lasted for a few months and I was like this isn't who I am, it's not who I am.
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And so for three years I just got back into my studies because I was speaking and teaching, you know, hosting workshops and doing all that stuff prior to moving out here.
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But I hit pause on all of that after my separation because I have a level of integrity with the work that I do that says, if I'm not living it, I'm not going to teach it, or if I'm experiencing something that I need to do the work through, I don't want to put my energy in front of people, because to engage people and work with people is a very sacred space and I don't take that lightly.
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And so I spent three years on that.
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And then I met my youngest daughter's mom, kirsten, and we were together for nine years and we broke up for maybe two years in that time, but we still lived together.
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We were roommates, you know.
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So we were really, we were still really close.
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But go ahead why did that relationship end?
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that relationship in ended because, well, number one, she was eight years younger than me.
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She had really just started growing in the beginning, when we first met, and there was just this.
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I'll admit it, I had this savior complex, you know, because I felt like I could fix in this relationship what I couldn't in my last relationship and I think a lot of us do that, you know, when we've experienced something or what I say when we've experienced true love or the love we thought we lost.
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You know we try to kind of reclaim that in a way in the next relationship.
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But there was a lot of growth really early on, and she lived in Seattle at the time, so for four months of our relationship we didn't even see each other other than FaceTime and talking on the phone, and so we built a really solid friendship in the beginning and then she moved out here and then, of course, the face-to-face this is how they are in person and I realized, okay, we're still in two completely different places.
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And at one point in the beginning of the relationship I said you know, we should take a step back and reevaluate where we are not saying we shouldn't be together.
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But it's like every time I would say that to her it was like I moved my whole life out here but I'm like I'm not saying not be together, I'm saying take a responsible step back and let's evaluate it.
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And it was just this.
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We were butting heads at that moment and I just kind of I remember saying okay, well, let's do it your way.
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And if it doesn't work when you finally get ready to do the work, I'm not going to trust it.
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Because she told me.
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She said I don't want to focus, I'm trying to reestablish myself, because she was a salon owner in Seattle and so she was trying to reestablish her business out here.
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She was like I just need to focus on this right now.
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And I knew that if we put any part of our relationship on the back burner because of what I'd already experienced, then it only takes a little bit of time for the separation to start happening.
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And I said if you want to wait until things are comfortable to start focusing on the work when you finally feel comfortable enough to do it, I'm not going to trust it.
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You finally feel comfortable enough to do it, I'm not going to trust it.
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And it was my fault because I and I take full responsibility of everything that happened in that relationship as the man.
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Because as the man I am the foundation, I'm the infrastructure.
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I should be the stability that gives her the peace.
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So when she comes in, she already has a foundation to stand on, even if she needs to put some things down, and I don't have room to complain about that, and so we literally had a hour and a half conversation the other night.
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Like I said, we're still friends, but that happened.
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And then, of course, the space ended up kind of fluctuating between us.
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And then now I'm looking outside of the relationship, where there's no intimacy.
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I don't trust it.
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But we're still in it, cause now I'm still rebuilding my stuff.
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We're both entrepreneurs, so finances are really tight.
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So now I feel trapped and every day I go home it's like looking in the mirror of everything that I hate and don't want in my life.
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At the time, but I was the one that was passive, aggressive.
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I was the one that didn't say, okay, this isn't healthy.
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I was coaching couples, you know, prior to, you know stopping coaching after my separation.
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But during that time, you know, we kept growing, we kept growing and then we broke up, got back together, and then it just got to a point similar to my wife, where it was just like, okay, and it's clear that we're just in two completely different places.
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I was so focused on doing the work and evolving that I got to a point I said I can't keep stopping, like I can't allow that.
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As much as I love you, you know I can't and it was a mutual decision.
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You know she was like.
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You know, I'm just in a space where I just really just need to focus on me.
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So now, what are you looking for in a relationship?
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Are you looking to get married again?
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Oh, I definitely want to get married again.
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And what have you learned from your, from your two relationships, like?
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What are your biggest lessons in what you're?
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looking for going forward all right.
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So typically I give a blanket statement.
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It's not really a soft one but I say, you know my first relationship, I learned unconditional love.
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In my second relationship I learned self-love.
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But in my second relationship I learned so much more than that, you know, because I learned the responsibility of a man, because having you know the circumstances of being a father, having the title and the roles and being married, I feel like it was kind of deceptive in a way, you know, but being in a relationship where none of that was locking you in or binding, and then being able to look back on that and doing the healing work myself, it's like wait a minute, like we look at this word responsibility and this is something I was telling her the other night.
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I said it is a privilege as a man to have the responsibility to build a foundation for my family and those that I love that protects them and keeps them safe.
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And for a while, because everything was a challenge and everything was a struggle, it was, I felt like everything was a fight, you know, and so it didn't feel like a great thing, you know, to have this responsibility.
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The weight of the man, you know, the weight of the world on the man, you know.
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And but now I'm just like what a, what a gift.
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You know what a gift I've been given to be a conscious man in this world, and that's probably one of the greatest things I've learned is just the power and purpose of response and the responsibility and the role of being a conscious man do you have?
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do you have deal breakers?
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I would say just going to ask that Were you, I know.
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I would say my deal breaker I try not to put expectations on anyone, but I would say my deal breaker is anyone who really isn't on their journey, who doesn't put personal, professional, spiritual development at the forefront, who doesn't have some sort of practice that takes them deeper, keeps them grounded, and someone who doesn't have a vision for themselves.
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Because I say, if you have a vision for yourself and you have a practice that is growing you and evolving you every single day, everything else is trivial.
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As a man, because I'm going to create structure and foundation, I have a vision.
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So now, from here, it's just a matter of is it in alignment with what I am creating?
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Because when you come into a union, second thing that is really important to me is are you capable of seeing a us, we and our, not a me, my and I?
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I like that.
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There can be no ego.
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So if you come into it me, my you know this is mine and me and I'm going to do this my no, we're not going to work.
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But if you can come into it saying you know, this is what I'm working on and this has been my vision up until this point, but I'd like to create something with a partner and this is what that looks like.
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Then, as a man, as the infrastructure, I can say, okay, this is what I see, how this aligned.
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I see the potential of building a partnership, because anybody can have a situation, ship, a relationship true.
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So, speaking of partners, what is your ideal partner?
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describe her loving, compassionate, open, vulnerable, I'd say.
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My ideal partner mirrors me in a lot of ways, do you have a physical, physical time.
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I was going to ask this.
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On the same wavelength today.
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I know sitting on the same couch we're like giving each other our brain waves.
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I'd say someone who is fit, you know, who takes care of themselves, because that tells me the integrity that you have with yourself.
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And that doesn't mean you have to walk around looking like a supermodel, an Instagram girl, no, like just someone that you take care of yourself, you know, you, you, yeah, I don't.
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Speaking of which, that's a perfect segue into give me more, give me more.
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You ready for it?
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I'm ready for it.
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The Keep More Minute brought to you by Tactical Tax Strategies.
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They help you keep more in your wallet.
00:21:02.791 --> 00:21:04.853
We help you keep more in your relationship.
00:21:04.853 --> 00:21:13.278
This week's question I need help before I become the villain in my own love story.
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My boyfriend is great, sweet, funny and treats me well, but there is one tiny problem.
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I cannot stand the way he chews.
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It's like a symphony of chaos.
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Every time we eat, no matter how much I try to ignore it, I find myself fantasizing about throwing his dinner out the window.
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I I know breaking up over chewing sounds ridiculous, but if I have to endure one more bowl of cereal, I I might actually lose it.
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Am I overreacting, or is this a legitimate reason to call it quits?
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Do you think that there's something else going on and she's looking for reasons?
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I don't know.
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And also, how long have you been dating the guy?
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Because it's like if something like that like for me anyway, something like that would give me the ick on the first date and I would never agree to a second date.
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So it's like how?
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long she's got the ick and I feel like once you get the ick you can't get rid of it.
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No, you can't, I can't from my past.
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Anyways, once I got the ick I knew that was the end.
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It was over.
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Yeah, what do you?
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What do you think?
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uh, yeah, I, I'm a very observant person when I meet someone.
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So, yeah, there's anything like that in the beginning, because chewing, yeah, yeah, that's one of those things that is kind of a turn off.
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Well, and I'm a teeth person, like I like teeth, like bad teeth, like you can be perfect in every way, but if you have bad teeth, that's a huge turn off for me, and so I wouldn't be able to do a loud chewer.
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Yeah, I'm wondering if she can talk to him about it and try to get him to change and then, if he doesn't, maybe pull the plug, but I feel like if he does stop doing that, she's gonna find something else.
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I think so too.
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I feel like that's not it.
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Yeah, I feel like there's something deeper to this yeah, probably I don't.
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We don't have enough information to really give good advice so now we're going to discuss an article from the bbc basically why it's harder to find love nowadays.
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So it says that finding and keeping love today is harder than it has ever been at in human history.
